Personally have seen a lot of bad things come from addiction. I come from a family FILLED with addicts. It is not a road I wish for anyone to go down… I have seen a lot of bad things happen to people that I thought were really good people. There is one person in my family whose addiction has impacted me the most… My dad.

 I was twelve years old the first time I realized that my dad is an alcoholic. You see, my mom and dad were separated when this all began, and I only got to see my dad every other weekend. At first, I would see him drink beer after beer and think nothing of it. Then I noticed patterns with him drinking, he started to drink more every next time I saw him sometimes he would sway back and forth. Sometimes he would get angry, I remember him throwing my brother against a wall one night when my brother asked him a question. Also, sometimes he would just get soppy… One night in particular, it was my dad, siblings and I.. we all went out to eat dinner and I knew he had been drinking. While he was trying to merge onto the freeway he merged onto the opposite side he was supposed to be traveling on… We saw headlights coming and he hurried and threw his gear into reverse. I remember being scared out of my mind, when any of us said anything to dad, he just screamed. It was like I didn’t know which personality I was going to get this time... At first I didn’t mind, or really even put a lot of thought into it, I was just happy to see him.

 I was in sixth grade the first time my mom got a phone call from my Grammy (whom he had been living with) that my dad was put in jail for an alcohol related offence. Because of that he lost a really good job and his opportunity to see me and my siblings. The next six years are kind of a blur… I just remember my dad being in and out of jail for odd amounts of time. There were SO many times that he would get out of jail and start doing good for a little while and I would honestly think I have my dad back, he’s going to change.. And then not long after he was back in jail or unreachable and no one knew what was going on.  I remember not even wanting to talk to him on the phone or just plain out not wanting anything to do with him. He was full of empty promises and lies. I started to build resentment for him. I had so many different emotions towards him too, not just anger. I missed him, I was disappointed, I was sad that my dad couldn’t be better for us three kids, and I was confused why he wouldn’t want better for HIMSELF.

Finally, in 2009 I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. It is a year that really stands out to me with my dad, and him “recovering”. About halfway through 2009 I moved from Washington State to Alaska. I was really lonely up there for the first four to five months. I remember my dad calling me, and me never answering my first few months there. I remember telling my new friends he was a drunk and that was probably why he was calling. I didn’t want to talk to him!!! One day he left a voicemail... Well, my dad was actually going through a program that was somewhat like a halfway house, but was also really strict about religion.  It sounded like he was doing outstanding! He was helping in a band at a church, doing volunteering to help the needy, going to bible study, and doing all kinds of odd jobs. So we started talking again. We talked everyday for hours on end. He was usually the first person to tell me good morning and goodnight – everyday.  It felt awesome to have him back! All those years him being in jail or just being out of the picture, I had felt (some form of justification) he was making up for. Things continued to go really well for us, for the next couple years.

In August of 2011 my dad needed somewhere to live. He had quit his job, wasn’t paying my mom back child support and I was pretty sure by the sounds of his voice that he was drinking. I went against my intuition and let him move to Alaska and move in with me, my husband, and two new step children. It was a disaster. After a week of him being there, I had seen all of his old habits in effect. But this time it didn’t just affect me, it affected my husband, and my new kids. He was drinking and going to the store and sneaking to buy vodka. After I had noticed, I sat him down and tried to be stern, but loving, and tell him that wasn’t allowed in my house. He at first asked “why are you saying this to me, I am a grown man, I can do what I want” all I could say was “ this is my house, and there are CHILDREN here” I also explained that I would not relive my childhood. He assured me he would quit. He didn’t. It was nothing but lies, again. I had my step-daughter coming up to me on a few occasions asking “is your dad drunk?” because he had been running into walls and things of that nature, swaying back and forth. After I told him he was not to drink in my house, he would walk to the local bar and get drunk and then come back home… and that was his way of justifying it – it wasn’t IN my house. After about a month of this behavior, me continually trying to talk to him – along with other family members, I realized that he would not change and me and my husband came to the decision that he had to leave. Three days later he was on a plane back to Washington and getting back into that program/halfway house I described above. He again, did well for a few months and here I am today writing this and my dad is in the same downward spiral. This has been going on for about twelve years now, and the pattern remains the same. To watch someone I love go through this is devastating and frustrating, I want more than anything for him to be back in my life with a regular and great relationship and I want him to want more for himself. But none of this is going to change until he is ready.

-Anonymous.